The right man

"Women look for the guy who doesn’t call them back all the time, but you need to get with the guy that calls you once a day. If you have a male friend that’s down for you, you need to suck HIS dick. Every woman doesn’t realize that til he gets married. And that’s the saddest day for you, when that guy gets married. Your whole life will revolve around Curves, eHarmony, and desserts under 200 calories.

"Women don’t understand how hard it is for dudes who are average, who have some personality, to maintain a friendship. Because if you have man boobs or body hair, all you think about is fucking or killing people all day."

Sex Talk with Kaseem LIVE!

Tomorrow night, we will be performing (is that the right word?) STWK live at The Business, a weekly show at the Dark Room in SF. DON'T MISS IT! Only $5!

Today, on a very special episode of S.T.W.K...

...Kaseem Bentley loses his virginity. Age: 14.

"When you’re having sex as a teen you don’t know what you’re doing. You’re just glad you’re there in that car and someone’s touching your dick. Even the retards got their dicks sucked. I was a salutatorian, but the retard was getting pussy.

"I was fourteen years old. I had my first quasi girlfriend – two weeks. That’s like six months to a young black man. And she was cute but she had that Oprah 84 weight. If you cut her booty in half you could make a kids’ vest.

"And she brought me into her house and her grandma was sitting there in a rocking chair that wasn’t moving so I thought she was dead. So she brought me upstairs and we were going at it. And I just thought I was gonna come in my pants. But she locked the door and didn’t ask for any condoms so I guess that’s her version of safe sex.

"And I lasted a half an hour, just goin’. I was going like I was going back to my cell afterward. After that I knew that that was one of my many talents. Because look at me – I’m in horrible shape, I have a horrible outlook on life. God has blessed me with being funny and being able to please a woman.

"Women need to understand – they look for these hot men at the club. That’s not good sex! That’s controlled rape! You’re not gonna have ‘making love’ with these huge juiced up guys. That’d be like fucking a race horse. Why do these women fuck these athletes?"

As with many of his stories, the moral of Kaseem's V-Card story is that he's great in bed. And as you've noticed by now, Kaseem has a LOT of questions about women's tastes.

Kaseem has been asking me to weigh in more in these posts, so I'll tell you that my V-Card story ends the same way - with me being GREAT in bed. I mean, I'm assuming I was great, because he came, like, right away. That means I'm great, right?

Politics

"We fuck with Tiger for cheating. But we should let Barack have whoever he wants. He’s trying to get us through 2012. That deserves at least an Asian chick."

If I were a smart white woman...

Listen up, ladies.

"If I was a smart white woman, I’d be cashing checks and eating pussy. Nothing is more successful than two white woman lesbians. Nothing but pants suits and buzz cuts.

The minute women take the dick out of their mouth and open up a self help book, that’s when the revolution’s gonna start. Some of these women are like the guy on stilts at the rally: no power."

Kaseem Bentley is a Real Boy

Someone just asked me if Kaseem was a real person, or if I was perhaps embellishing some of the things he was saying.

FOR THE RECORD:
- Kaseem is real, and you can see him in person! He is a comedian in San Francisco and he is very very funny. Go see him this Friday at Pissed Off Pete's on Mission.
- All of these quotes are just that: quotes. I do edit them for brevity and clarity, but I NEVER embellish.

Alright? And please, leave us comments and share posts. As Kaseem says:
"Those that don't comment don't want to admit to my black genius."

Success

"Men need to stop fucking and start worrying about their success. Because everyone’s sucked a dick. Not everyone’s made a million dollars.

If you fuck with the lights off, that’s hot. But not if it’s cause you didn’t pay the energy bill."

2012

Kaseem is excited about 2012, because maybe he will suck a dick:

"Here’s why I’m excited about 2012: I would never sleep with a guy now, but maybe I would a week before 2012. Because you don’t want that wall of fire hitting you thinking 'Oh god! I wonder what it was like?!' Because can you suck dicks in heaven?

Everything seems so pure and nice and shit in heaven. But heaven can’t be cool because if you accept Christ in your life, everyone can go. But aren’t you gonna still be yourself in heaven? That dude that pissed on my backpack in middle school is gonna be able to piss on my new white backpack?

I’m gonna have a gun in heaven. And I’ll just tuck it behind a cloud."

Sex Talk with Kaseem - Welcome

This is the new home for Sex Talk with Kaseem: the world's most deranged impromptu talk show. Sex Talk with Kaseem works like this: comedian Kaseem Bentley talks for three hours, uninterrupted. Comedian Emily Heller transcribes it and edits it down.

Sex Talk with Kaseem isn't only about sex, but it is always about sex.


Sex Talk with Kaseem is for entertainment purposes only. It is not recommended that you do anything that Kaseem tells you to do, except maybe to fuck fat chicks.

Welcome.