You Can't Handle the Truth

"When a couple says 'we’re friends': no, one of y’all gave in to the whole fakery. Men, after a while, you will just give in. For a man, he just gave up on not trying to fake it and decided to just lie and keep lying to her about his interests. He don’t give a fuck about your family or your basket weaving or your uncle who might have touched you at a pool party. His lie is the missing amulet piece to your pussy lock.

"I know old men who have told me, ‘I will lie to this chick til she dies because I don’t want to be alone,’ and that’s beautiful: lying to your woman about your fake interests. Telling the truth is like taking a shit at a house party. You can’t do it! It’s too big of a risk."

I don't need you!

"Men don’t need anybody. There’s guys who try to add me on facebook from freshman year of college. Just cause I bought you a Snickers bar doesn’t mean we have to reestablish a King Sized friendship.

"That’s why my relationships don’t go anywhere, because I don’t need you! You need to understand: you’re either contributing to my longevity or my death. Get into what I’m into! Learn a skill or trade! Learn some black shit! Not some surface level black shit. Some facts. Shit I don’t know. When DID Ethiopia get conquered? I don’t know that shit!"

Let a dude know

"These fat girls, they need to know, when they get in a conversation with a guy, they need to let it be known that they’re NOT ready to fuck. Otherwise you assume they are. She’s on the cusp, so she doesn’t really know. You would almost assume cause she doesn’t have anything distinguishable yet like a gut or a huge ass or a cloud of shame. Skinny girls are key about letting you know. I asked a skinny girl what time it was one time and she was like ‘I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.’ I bought a watch THAT afternoon."

Cosby Boners

"The Cosby Show was the worst show ever. Cause Clifton didn’t have no job. OBGYN? Home office? Real talk: that’s creepy.

"And it didn’t make no sense cause there were all these kids of all different colors. Someone was cheatin!

"I used to have this weird fascination with Phylicia Rashad. I used to watch The Cosby Show super, super hard. I really like old chicks – pretty old chicks. Phylicia Rashad, Sophia Loren. Even Olympia Dukakis could hit it."

White Women for Sale

 Do they sell white women down at the Marina?

"White people have no culture. Except WASPy white women. Cause they’re the only ones who’ll talk back to me like [white woman voice] ‘See here, Kaseem! I am SORRY about slavery!’ Cause that’s just anger that builds into hours of fucking.

"I’m getting one of those real white women down at the marina. Cause those women are so angry! Cause they know how white men fuck them up, and they wanna get back at them. And when they see me they know – one of them is gonna get back at those white men by sucking my dick."

Afterlife Talk with Kaseem

"When the world ends, I’m gonna say all my peace with God, I’m gonna do every fucking thing I wanna do. I am going berserkers. I am gonna steal like a 65 year old person at Walmart. I’m gonna find everyone that did shit to me and fuck them up. And I mean heinous shit – shit with their dicks.

"I cannot wait to see what the afterlife looks like. I don’t wanna wear white – I want a charcoal black robe. Or maybe Gucci print. Cause if heaven’s real, I just wanna be where all the black people are at. I wanna be in the Atlanta of heaven. Just there, partying it up, all that shit."

Passion for the Thickness

There go my chances:

"The best sex you’ll ever have is with a thick woman or a girl that’s kinda cute – cause it’s the closest thing you’ll ever get to fucking a guy. Cause they understand you. They know how fucked up life is and they’re happy to be with someone who understands them. If a thin chick came up to me right now I’d push her down a flight of stairs and laugh in her face cause there’s no way she’d be as cool as a fat chick."

Kaseem and I could never have good sex, because I think life is awesome. I guess that's the trade off - if your life is fun and easy and awesome, your sex is worse. Fair enough! Also, Kaseem can't stop thinking about fucking guys.

Cute is forever

On dick size:

"I’m almost 5’11”. And I’m pretty decent. If I were 6’5”? That would be horrible. Unless you had the deepest vagina ever. Women rappers should brag about having a small pussy. 'I can’t stick a pinky in there without a tear coming out.'

"If you went to a man and you went to his ear like 'I got this small pussy for you' he wouldn’t know what to do. Women need to not be looking for fine dudes. Just cute dudes. Cause cute is forever."

The right man

"Women look for the guy who doesn’t call them back all the time, but you need to get with the guy that calls you once a day. If you have a male friend that’s down for you, you need to suck HIS dick. Every woman doesn’t realize that til he gets married. And that’s the saddest day for you, when that guy gets married. Your whole life will revolve around Curves, eHarmony, and desserts under 200 calories.

"Women don’t understand how hard it is for dudes who are average, who have some personality, to maintain a friendship. Because if you have man boobs or body hair, all you think about is fucking or killing people all day."

Sex Talk with Kaseem LIVE!

Tomorrow night, we will be performing (is that the right word?) STWK live at The Business, a weekly show at the Dark Room in SF. DON'T MISS IT! Only $5!

Today, on a very special episode of S.T.W.K...

...Kaseem Bentley loses his virginity. Age: 14.

"When you’re having sex as a teen you don’t know what you’re doing. You’re just glad you’re there in that car and someone’s touching your dick. Even the retards got their dicks sucked. I was a salutatorian, but the retard was getting pussy.

"I was fourteen years old. I had my first quasi girlfriend – two weeks. That’s like six months to a young black man. And she was cute but she had that Oprah 84 weight. If you cut her booty in half you could make a kids’ vest.

"And she brought me into her house and her grandma was sitting there in a rocking chair that wasn’t moving so I thought she was dead. So she brought me upstairs and we were going at it. And I just thought I was gonna come in my pants. But she locked the door and didn’t ask for any condoms so I guess that’s her version of safe sex.

"And I lasted a half an hour, just goin’. I was going like I was going back to my cell afterward. After that I knew that that was one of my many talents. Because look at me – I’m in horrible shape, I have a horrible outlook on life. God has blessed me with being funny and being able to please a woman.

"Women need to understand – they look for these hot men at the club. That’s not good sex! That’s controlled rape! You’re not gonna have ‘making love’ with these huge juiced up guys. That’d be like fucking a race horse. Why do these women fuck these athletes?"

As with many of his stories, the moral of Kaseem's V-Card story is that he's great in bed. And as you've noticed by now, Kaseem has a LOT of questions about women's tastes.

Kaseem has been asking me to weigh in more in these posts, so I'll tell you that my V-Card story ends the same way - with me being GREAT in bed. I mean, I'm assuming I was great, because he came, like, right away. That means I'm great, right?

Politics

"We fuck with Tiger for cheating. But we should let Barack have whoever he wants. He’s trying to get us through 2012. That deserves at least an Asian chick."

If I were a smart white woman...

Listen up, ladies.

"If I was a smart white woman, I’d be cashing checks and eating pussy. Nothing is more successful than two white woman lesbians. Nothing but pants suits and buzz cuts.

The minute women take the dick out of their mouth and open up a self help book, that’s when the revolution’s gonna start. Some of these women are like the guy on stilts at the rally: no power."

Kaseem Bentley is a Real Boy

Someone just asked me if Kaseem was a real person, or if I was perhaps embellishing some of the things he was saying.

FOR THE RECORD:
- Kaseem is real, and you can see him in person! He is a comedian in San Francisco and he is very very funny. Go see him this Friday at Pissed Off Pete's on Mission.
- All of these quotes are just that: quotes. I do edit them for brevity and clarity, but I NEVER embellish.

Alright? And please, leave us comments and share posts. As Kaseem says:
"Those that don't comment don't want to admit to my black genius."

Success

"Men need to stop fucking and start worrying about their success. Because everyone’s sucked a dick. Not everyone’s made a million dollars.

If you fuck with the lights off, that’s hot. But not if it’s cause you didn’t pay the energy bill."

2012

Kaseem is excited about 2012, because maybe he will suck a dick:

"Here’s why I’m excited about 2012: I would never sleep with a guy now, but maybe I would a week before 2012. Because you don’t want that wall of fire hitting you thinking 'Oh god! I wonder what it was like?!' Because can you suck dicks in heaven?

Everything seems so pure and nice and shit in heaven. But heaven can’t be cool because if you accept Christ in your life, everyone can go. But aren’t you gonna still be yourself in heaven? That dude that pissed on my backpack in middle school is gonna be able to piss on my new white backpack?

I’m gonna have a gun in heaven. And I’ll just tuck it behind a cloud."

Sex Talk with Kaseem - Welcome

This is the new home for Sex Talk with Kaseem: the world's most deranged impromptu talk show. Sex Talk with Kaseem works like this: comedian Kaseem Bentley talks for three hours, uninterrupted. Comedian Emily Heller transcribes it and edits it down.

Sex Talk with Kaseem isn't only about sex, but it is always about sex.


Sex Talk with Kaseem is for entertainment purposes only. It is not recommended that you do anything that Kaseem tells you to do, except maybe to fuck fat chicks.

Welcome.