You Can't Handle the Truth

"When a couple says 'we’re friends': no, one of y’all gave in to the whole fakery. Men, after a while, you will just give in. For a man, he just gave up on not trying to fake it and decided to just lie and keep lying to her about his interests. He don’t give a fuck about your family or your basket weaving or your uncle who might have touched you at a pool party. His lie is the missing amulet piece to your pussy lock.

"I know old men who have told me, ‘I will lie to this chick til she dies because I don’t want to be alone,’ and that’s beautiful: lying to your woman about your fake interests. Telling the truth is like taking a shit at a house party. You can’t do it! It’s too big of a risk."

I don't need you!

"Men don’t need anybody. There’s guys who try to add me on facebook from freshman year of college. Just cause I bought you a Snickers bar doesn’t mean we have to reestablish a King Sized friendship.

"That’s why my relationships don’t go anywhere, because I don’t need you! You need to understand: you’re either contributing to my longevity or my death. Get into what I’m into! Learn a skill or trade! Learn some black shit! Not some surface level black shit. Some facts. Shit I don’t know. When DID Ethiopia get conquered? I don’t know that shit!"

Let a dude know

"These fat girls, they need to know, when they get in a conversation with a guy, they need to let it be known that they’re NOT ready to fuck. Otherwise you assume they are. She’s on the cusp, so she doesn’t really know. You would almost assume cause she doesn’t have anything distinguishable yet like a gut or a huge ass or a cloud of shame. Skinny girls are key about letting you know. I asked a skinny girl what time it was one time and she was like ‘I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.’ I bought a watch THAT afternoon."

Cosby Boners

"The Cosby Show was the worst show ever. Cause Clifton didn’t have no job. OBGYN? Home office? Real talk: that’s creepy.

"And it didn’t make no sense cause there were all these kids of all different colors. Someone was cheatin!

"I used to have this weird fascination with Phylicia Rashad. I used to watch The Cosby Show super, super hard. I really like old chicks – pretty old chicks. Phylicia Rashad, Sophia Loren. Even Olympia Dukakis could hit it."

White Women for Sale

 Do they sell white women down at the Marina?

"White people have no culture. Except WASPy white women. Cause they’re the only ones who’ll talk back to me like [white woman voice] ‘See here, Kaseem! I am SORRY about slavery!’ Cause that’s just anger that builds into hours of fucking.

"I’m getting one of those real white women down at the marina. Cause those women are so angry! Cause they know how white men fuck them up, and they wanna get back at them. And when they see me they know – one of them is gonna get back at those white men by sucking my dick."

Afterlife Talk with Kaseem

"When the world ends, I’m gonna say all my peace with God, I’m gonna do every fucking thing I wanna do. I am going berserkers. I am gonna steal like a 65 year old person at Walmart. I’m gonna find everyone that did shit to me and fuck them up. And I mean heinous shit – shit with their dicks.

"I cannot wait to see what the afterlife looks like. I don’t wanna wear white – I want a charcoal black robe. Or maybe Gucci print. Cause if heaven’s real, I just wanna be where all the black people are at. I wanna be in the Atlanta of heaven. Just there, partying it up, all that shit."

Passion for the Thickness

There go my chances:

"The best sex you’ll ever have is with a thick woman or a girl that’s kinda cute – cause it’s the closest thing you’ll ever get to fucking a guy. Cause they understand you. They know how fucked up life is and they’re happy to be with someone who understands them. If a thin chick came up to me right now I’d push her down a flight of stairs and laugh in her face cause there’s no way she’d be as cool as a fat chick."

Kaseem and I could never have good sex, because I think life is awesome. I guess that's the trade off - if your life is fun and easy and awesome, your sex is worse. Fair enough! Also, Kaseem can't stop thinking about fucking guys.

Cute is forever

On dick size:

"I’m almost 5’11”. And I’m pretty decent. If I were 6’5”? That would be horrible. Unless you had the deepest vagina ever. Women rappers should brag about having a small pussy. 'I can’t stick a pinky in there without a tear coming out.'

"If you went to a man and you went to his ear like 'I got this small pussy for you' he wouldn’t know what to do. Women need to not be looking for fine dudes. Just cute dudes. Cause cute is forever."